The Ballad of Ignatz & Diane

"Diane!...Diane!" Two a.m. on Avenue B.
"Diane!...Diane!"

There were two apartments on each floor of our building. We shared the first floor with that of Ignatz and Diane. Ignatz and Diane were a middle-aged couple, a very Lower East Side type from the old days, probably Ukrainian or Polish or some other dying breed in that neighborhood. Pretty ordinary people. Sort of.

Of course, Ignatz had some issues, mostly involving alcohol it seemed. True, he'd also been busted as a numbers runner...He hung out at the candy store on the corner. The one that didn't seem like it could sustain itself as a candy store.

The first inkling we had that all was not rosy with them was the night when Ignatz knocked on our door and asked for a favor: could he come in and go out our back windows, which opened onto the roof and blower system of the laundromat downstairs? It seemed that Diane had locked him out and he wanted to get into his apartment through the windows on our shared roof...
Sure, we said and unlocked the metal grates that (in theory) protected us from burglars. Out he went.

The backyard of the apartment was more interesting than you'd think. There was a lot of Archy & Mehitabel-type caterwauling out there at night, to which our many cats -- one named Mehitabel I think -- contributed. People got on the roof sometimes, like the time I was taking a bath and the window slowly began to rise...

(Behind our building was a very old and abandoned two story building a couple of lots wide. On the pavement in front of that was a huge ailanthus tree. Perfect tenement atmosphere. I so wanted to go back out there and explore that old building. It was like one of those places that come to you in your dreams and the unknown feeling it aroused was intense.

Alas, I never did get back there.)

So, there was the call again: "Diane...Diane!" Ignatz was pleading with his wife to let him in but there was no response from her. Moments passed. Then there was a loud thud and a stumbling, tumbling noise as Ignatz fell down the stairs to street level. Another moment passed...and then Diane was heard unlocking all the many locks on their front door and we could hear her shout down the stairs. "Lay there, you bum!" was all she said.